Here Again

This place used to be my backyard, a secret garden that keeps me moving as I blow off the stress I have in my life. After the graduation I feel like it's not me that keep moving but the life does it for me either in the good way or the bad way. Since I didn't keep in touch with you I had gained many things in my life but lost something huge as well.
I got married, travelled back to Malaysia and stayed there almost a year, had a lovely babyboy who is now 20 months, came back to Turkey and residing currently until now for a year. These were off course the good sides.
One biggest tragedy in my life occured 4 months ago and I still can't get used to it. I lost my father. This pain can't be described, at this point I just stop and stare for a time as I remember the old good memories of my father, this doesn't always happen in the dry way, the hospital days, the ICU days, 3 weeks of sleeping turned to a nightmare or how I can explain better the nightmare actually started from the time my father got sick, for 3 weeks we all have the same one and it turned out to be real as my father closed his eyes for the last time. And now I don't know I am awake or still sleeping. What I know it hurts so much that I cannot touch him, I cannot hug him, I cannot talk to him or hear from him as I did before. His favorite activity was playing with my son Emir, whenever I look at Emir I remember my father. He loved him so much that even when he was in hospital the only thing that could make him smile was talking about Emir, how Emir prays for the grandpa to be recovered, I could see his eyes only shined that time. That was the last time I saw my father's smile, that I can't forget. The morning as we are on our way to hospital again, we heard that he is in the critical situation, when we arrived docs made him already sleep as he couldn't breath normally and he was transferred to ICU for the oxygen machine. 3 weeks of sleeping, everyday from morning till night we waited for him to get better, they didn't let him recovered, the stubborn doctors made us long for him more, whenever he tried to open his eyes they injected drug to make him sleep deeper. The whole healing process was wrong for me but whenever I opened my mouth the arrogant doctors stopped me. I just wanted him to be able to support himself for breathing normally so that I could cure him with my natural real medicines. But his time wasn't enough to make it. He could only survive 3 weeks, every time he was going okay the doctors weakened his immunity by making blood transfusion.
Whatever I say it won't stop my tears. Nothing happened for them but the world blackened for us. He won't be in his house materially but I am sure that he is here with us with his soul. He is in the peace that he couldn't have in this world. I love you my dad! Rest in peace.